♪♪ -The movie's a family movie, and by the second act, Eddie realizes that if he wants to make the team, he needs his grandfather to help him train. -Then it's just, like, quick, sloppy cuts of, like, mascara running down their faces and, like, adult baby fantasy shots of, like, diaper people, and they're, like, into everything, like groups, J-offs… -No, no. -…intimidation scenarios, "Newsies" fantasies… -You two are — You two are brothers? Actual brothers? -Yeah. We are, we are. -New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you're greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. You're in the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything. Gauze, carnival barkers, groups of guys with afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants. -Stefon, we asked you here tonight to tell us about some New York summer fun spots. -Mm-hmmmm. -Um, and then… And then you came out here. I just want to recap what happened because you came out here and then you told us things that sound like, uh, nightmares of a crystal meth addict. -Accurate! -Yeah, it is accurate. But I have to say, Stefon, I know you honestly want people to have a good time, so I'm going to give you a pass. -Yay, Stefon! -Stefon, everyone! -New York's hottest club is Gush. Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy world that answers the question, "Nooow?" This place has everything — geeks, Sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors. And look over there in the corner — Is that Mick Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a Slip 'N Slide. His knees look like biscuits… [ Laughter ] …and he's ready to party. New York's hottest holiday club is Blitzen. And right now, they're having their 12 Days of Christmas dance party. -Wow, 12 days of Christmas. Now see, that sounds nice. -Because it has everything. ♪ Twelve jacked albinos ♪ ♪ Eleven Little Richards ♪ ♪ Ten pierce-eared babies ♪ ♪ Nine Asian Balkis ♪ ♪ Eight gay Aladdins ♪ ♪ Seven psychos swearing ♪ ♪ Six PuertoScreechens ♪ Puerto Rican Screeches. -Of course. Of course, yeah, yeah. We all knew that. We all knew that. -♪ Five homeless Elmos ♪ ♪ Four coked-up frogs ♪ ♪ Three French hens ♪ ♪ Taylor Negron ♪ ♪ And a human parking cone ♪ -♪ O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree ♪ ♪ O evergreen unchanging ♪ ♪ A symbol of goodwill and love ♪ ♪ You'll ever be unchanging ♪ -'Cause it's that thing of when, like, jacked elves have, like, the pony keg chest and they bang their little — their little baby hammer and sparks happen and it's — it's just amazing. -♪ O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree ♪ ♪ You'll ever be unchanging ♪ -Stefon's single right now. He doesn't have a Valentine. Aww… [ Audience awws ] -Alright, well, maybe just for tonight — and just for tonight — you could be my Valentine. -You mean it? -Yeah. I guess I got struck by Jewpid's arrow. -L'chaim! New York's hottest club is [deep voice] Spicy. [ Laughing ] -Sorry, was that… Spicy? -[Deep voice] Spicy. Opened in 2017 on the Upper East Side of a dumpster… [ Cheers and applause ] …this 24-hour bitch-fest is the creation of club owner/rabbi Jew Diamond Phillips. And this place has everything — -Good. -Sandworms… -Great. -…geishas, rock eaters… -Uh-huh. Cool. -…a seven-level course in adult education. And if you want to relax, you can kick back in your very own subway sleeping bag. -Um, so, what is a subway sleeping bag? -It's that thing of when you're on the train and you sit between two guys in Fubu jackets. -You ready to go, Stefon? -Yes! [ Cheers and applause ] -So, uh, where are we going again, buddy? -Well, it's that thing of when a beach is covered in jellyfish and a sunburned old man braids your hair. -So, can my girlfriend come? -No. -Stefon… I think this is the beginning of a beautiful nightmare. -New York's hottest club is [ Quacks ] Located in a haunted synagogue, this Upper Lower Side hotspot is the creation of Italian reggae singer Rasta Primavera. This place has everything — brooms, scrunchies, screw heads, a shaved lion that looks like Mario Batali. New York's hottest holiday club is [ Bleating ] -Could you, uh — could you use that in a sentence for me? -Um, in a sentence? -Yeah. -Um… Let's go to [bleating] because the line is too long at [deep voice] Spicy. -Okay. That was a sentence. Thank you. I just have to say, this place doesn't feel very Irish to me. -Well, um… Well, you know, they're giving out… They're giving out — They're giving out these. -Oh! "Kiss me, I'm Irish." -If you insist. -Oh! [ Cheers and applause ] How long have you been carrying around that button? -All year. New York's hottest club is [oscillating chirping] Written and directed by James L. Brooks… -Oh, come on. -…this place has everything — Backpacks, sea lions, Ron Wood, a rental car filled with bottled water, my best friend Joel. Plus, a special appearance by evil celebrity chef Wario Batali. He's just like his brother, except he doesn't wear Crocs. Plus, there's a… There's a special guest. Have you heard of Blacula, the Black Dracula? -Yes. -Well, they have a Jewish Dracula. -Oh. What's his name? -Sidney Applebaum. New York's hottest club is. [stern voice] Your Mother and I Are Separating. Don't be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front. This club IS a burned-down Red Lobster. And it has everything — a shake for breakfast… -Yep. -…a shake for lunch… -Okay. -…a sensible dinner… -Mm-hmm. -…those shoes that nurses wear. And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare. -What does that sound like? [ Nasal snoring ] [ Frantic quacking ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Screaming ] -Whoo! -I love you, Seth Meyers! -I love you, Stefon! For Weekend Update, we are Seth and Stefon Meyers! Goodnight! [ Cheers and applause ] Love you, buddy. -We are here to take you to the other side. -We're like a gateway drug, you know. like bath salts and meow-meow. -We are so proud of you. You have been the heart of this show for over a decade. -Yeah. -Yes. [ Cheers and applause ] -You're like the Sting of SNL. -Wait, why am I like the Sting of SNL? -Because it takes you 12 years to finish. -And — And on that, uh, we're going to miss you so much, Seth. -You barely know him! -Take it easy, Stefon. -Cecily, I am, uh… I'm so sorry. This is, uh… This is Amy, and this is Stefon. -[ Hissing ] -Okay! -Thanks so much for joining us, Stefon. -How long have I been on anesthesia? -Oh, yeah. A lot has changed. You know, Colin and I host Weekend Update now, so. -Mm. One of each. I like it. -This week's hottest club in New York is called Yank! Renovated by the third, never-spoken-of Property Brother, Proppy, this club keeps thumping till you hear, "Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog." "Ruff!" -No, no, no, no, no. Look, look. You're doing it wrong. You don't cover your face. You make — You make a teepee for your secrets. [ Applause ] -Stefon, who is this? -What's the matter? Jealous? Why don't you have another drink? -Hey! We have children now! -Don't worry, kids, Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting. Mommy's just tripping on Molly. May I consult my lawyer quickly? -Sure. Yeah. -Great. He's an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy? [ Cheers and applause ] -Hi. Hi, Shy. -Hello, gentlemen. How are you? -Shy, do people still use the word… [whispering indistinctly] Got it. Thank you, Shy. Shy. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Clears throat ] Human squatty potties. It's that thing of when you sit on the toilet, and to have good posture, two little people… …crouch on the bathroom floor, and you put your feet on their heads. -Right.